New Moms: 5 Tools to Maintain the Self
Navigating life as a new mom can be a rewarding and exciting
experience, but it can also be a daunting and lonely experience- one that you are never truly prepared for. Healing from birth includes holding space for the fact that our feelings of self-doubt, mixed in with feelings of utter awe and adoration for this perfect little human are completely normal. It is learning how to find that compassion and implementing certain tools for balance where we can feel lost, alone and like nobody can truly empathize. As a brand-new mom myself, trying to balance graduate school, my relationship, personal identity and giving birth to a baby during a global pandemic, I know that now is the
most vital time for self-compassion. Here are some simple, effective ways in which you can practice compassion, patience and understanding for yourself during the most vulnerable transitions you will ever make- all while still maintaining your own personal identity and sense of self.
1. Ask for Help
Perfectionism is a common personality trait that women take on as a means to cope with the stress of feeling as though you have to “do it all”. The role of a new mom tends to exacerbate that tendency, and it can lead to burn out and feelings of inadequacy, as well as mental health issues like eating disorders and postpartum depression. Following the birth of your child
is perhaps the most vital time to ask for help. As human beings, we have steered away from the tribal mentality of our ancestors, where we had a group of caretakers helping with the baby and with the mother. Remember to reach out to family members and friends to bring meals, watch the baby while you get some
much needed sleep, help with chores around the house and to be that support system that we naturally need to grow and thrive with this new family we are building.
2. Protect Your Values
Before becoming a mom, you most likely had a set of core values
that were foundational to how you lived your life. Whether that be the value of family, a spiritual practice, your physical health or friendships, it is what you devoted yourself to and what your life centered around. With a new baby, it could be difficult to maintain those values as we become sleep deprived, deal
with rebalancing hormones and develop a schedule around babies eating, pooping and sleeping. It is a shock to the system and takes weeks, months, or years to get accustomed to. However, there are ways in which we could still maintain those values that sustain our personal identity, comfort, and sense of self.
Carve out time in your day to Face Time your best friend, spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower with a mask on, call your mom over to make coffee and rock the baby, practice yoga while your partner watches the baby- anything that takes you away from mommy hood for a small amount of time will make a big difference in reminding you that you still have an identity separate from “mom”, and your core values remain intact.
3. Once a Day Rule
We all have something that we strive to do daily that makes us
feel at ease, more like ourselves, and centered. Practicing healthy, effective habits of self-care is essential to evolving our own confidence and ability to maintain independence apart from being a mom. Once a day, work on implementing a self-care ritual that provides you with a positive, beneficial, reasonable goal of feeling grounded in yourself. This could be writing down 3 things you are grateful for every morning, doing a 15 minute yin yoga practice before bed, reading one chapter in your favorite book,
putting 20 minutes into that one special project you have been putting off, tending to your garden, or simply just sitting outside with your eyes closed and mindfully taking in the surroundings. By committing to one small task once a day, our ability to stay rooted in our own personal identity will give room for
continued growth and evolvement over time.
4. Remember Your Partner
As a new mom, having a newborn takes up most of our time, energy, and love. This can leave us feeling depleted and unable to give any remaining energy to our significant other, which is just as important as the relationship we have with our baby and with ourselves. It is a delicate balancing act, but once we can recognize that making time to nurture those relationships is equality important, the more meaningful and rich the love we give our baby will be. A way in which we can do this is by implementing small, yet worthwhile moments of recognition and understanding for our partner. This can simply look like, “Thank you for making us coffee this morning, those small things mean a lot,” or, “I appreciate how you make our child laugh and smile.” Developing a habit of gratitude for your partner can also come in the form of maintaining intimacy in subtle ways, like giving a kiss every morning and taking notice of a sensory impact- such as the way they smell, how their voice sounds or the texture of their skin. Not only will this help with mindfulness, but it is a small reminder of the various ways in which intimacy can be felt, heard, and seen.
5. Maintain Core Friendships
There is something about a good old-fashioned belly laugh with
your friends, reminiscing over old memories or revealing some of the most inappropriate things that you know only they can relate to. As a new mom, it is common to feel as though your friends who do not have kids are going to fall to the wayside,
or that you no longer have anything in common with them. However, if we can take time to remember those core friendships and the foundation that keeps them branded in your life over the years, then the fact that they have kids or not won’t
matter. It is often times that our true friends can allow us to be ourselves in a non-judgmental way, and these friends are energy-givers, not energy-takers. Maintaining those friendships takes more time and effort than it used to before a new baby, but it is their support that will aid in your self-preservation and continuation of vital social bonds.
